December 26, 2012
- You may have noticed that I am not, in fact, Oprah. I do not, therefore, give a crap about how this makes you feel.
- I, much like nature, do not reward stupidity and/or weakness.
- Working with this piece of equipment is like giving an enema to a polar bear. You do it quickly, you do it carefully and you back away slowly at the first sign of trouble.
- What is on my mind? Honestly I like the horse you rode in on too much to say it out loud.
- You should be so lucky to be a douche. At least then you would have a purpose on earth other than pissing me off.
- He’s the kind of idiot that won’t believe in global warming till a polar bear takes a dump in his swimming pool.
- No, the cross walk is not a way to tell me, a pedestrian, to be extra careful while in the street. It is there to help you not be an ass.
- It’s a lottery ticket FFS. Just do an easy pick “Rain Man” and let me pay for my PepsiMax.
- If you have interpreted my expression as anything but naked contempt for your very existence you guessed wrong.
- The only difference between slavery and salary is spelling.
- People @ the office were freaking out about going outside in the rain. I asked one of them “Did a teenage girl park a house on your sister?” They answered “No.” I responded, “Then you don’t need to be afraid of water… now shut up and walk to your damned car.”
- Agent: “Do I look like I am having a good morning?” Me: “Do I look like I give a shit one way or other? I was just being polite.”
- I don’t know. How many different types of idiots are there?
- I am not sure. On what scale of stupid would you like me to rank you?
October 30, 2012
Back when I was a young-in (when the dulcet tones of Wham and Culture Club filled the air) television programs had a simple, if somewhat formulaic, structure. There was a beginning, a middle, another middle, probably a couple more middles and finally an end. You could tell which was which by the presence of opening credits, commercials and closing credits. You got this with dramas, comedies, the news and , hell, even the WWF (no.. not the people that want you to send money to save the eleven toed marmoset or some such) which probably counts as both drama and comedy.
What you DID NOT GET was parts of one program being displayed side by side with parts of another program. Occasionally a live event (which you know… sort of had to just happen as it happened) would even encroach on a particularly good episode of Laverne and Shirley, or something about some wall getting torn down by ten-thousand drunk Germans would interrupt a rocking episode of Thudercats (HOOOAAA!). Guess what would happen? You would miss parts of one of the programs. Guess which one. Here is a hint… NOT THE LIVE ONE.
It would appear that sometime between the last time I really watched TV in earnest (I think something with someone called Screech was all the rage at the time) and last Wednesday, stations happened upon a novel approach. You see… if you overlay the first 5 minutes of Program A with the last 5 minutes of Program B then rinse and repeat (I learned that phrase during one of the aforementioned commercials along with the fact that itchy ass syndrome seems to be a wide spread malady transmitted by toilet paper you could rough sand mahogany with) you can, apparently, cram an additional 32.7 useless commercials into every Broadcast Day. I have coined the phrase “Time Douching” to describe this phenomenon as it is like time shifting with a DVR if that concept were conceived by the biggest douche in the universe (which, for the record, is currently Donald Trump). In fact… you don’t even have to limit yourself to overlapping the opening and closing credits. You can (gasp) even overlay actual actors speaking actual dialogue which is ACTUALLY THE DAMNED TV SHOW!
Now… I realize that for those of us with the attention span of a 13 year old on crystal meth laced Red Bull, this is just totally awesome. I mean… who doesn’t want 32.7 more opportunities to learn about the cause and solution to unmentionable body odors (which oddly still get mentioned) or the latest blanket-slash-something-that-should-never-be-crossed-with-a-blanket that has recently hit the market? Or how about a 4 minute guided tour of how horrifyingly unpleasant aging is along with an alphabetized list of shit on you that is soon going to stop working properly? Or even better how about having to become Lt. Commander Data from Star Trek in your ability to process, separate and then assimilate completely different audio-visual stimulae from often wildly different subject matter? I mean who hasn’t wanted to try to separate the plot threads from the end of a primo Sanford and Son episode from the neuron pulverizing ramblings of the first 5 minutes of a Rush Limbaugh broadcast?
<PJ RAISES HAND> I don’t want to.
I will make a deal with all of the stations that have turned to this latest attempt to squeeze more ads into television while squeezing more content out (as in out of the equation entirely). If you all agree to just let one damned show end before you start another I will agree to not invent a death ray capable of selectively vaporizing TV Ad execs, TV Station heads and Clowns (long story but to sum it up… I hate clowns). And this is no idle threat… have you noticed how the bees keep disappearing? Let’s just say I take getting stung VERY PERSONALLY.
Well… that’s it for now. And remember… wherever you go… there you… better stay off my lawn.