Grumpy Old Man Quotes 2012 Anthology

December 26, 2012

  • You may have noticed that I am not, in fact, Oprah. I do not, therefore, give a crap about how this makes you feel.
  • I, much like nature, do not reward stupidity and/or weakness.
  • Working with this piece of equipment is like giving an enema to a polar bear.  You do it quickly, you do it carefully and you back away slowly at the first sign of trouble.
  • What is on my mind? Honestly I like the horse you rode in on too much to say it out loud.
  • You should be so lucky to be a douche. At least then you would have a purpose on earth other than pissing me off.
  • He’s the kind of idiot that won’t believe in global warming till a polar bear takes a dump in his swimming pool.
  • No, the cross walk is not a way to tell me, a pedestrian, to be extra careful while in the street. It is there to help you not be an ass.
  • It’s a lottery ticket FFS. Just do an easy pick “Rain Man” and let me pay for my PepsiMax.
  • If you have interpreted my expression as anything but naked contempt for your very existence you guessed wrong.
  • The only difference between slavery and salary is spelling.
  • People @ the office were freaking out about going outside in the rain. I asked one of them “Did a teenage girl park a house on your sister?” They answered “No.” I responded, “Then you don’t need to be afraid of water… now shut up and walk to your damned car.”
  • Agent: “Do I look like I am having a good morning?” Me: “Do I look like I give a shit one way or other? I was just being polite.”
  • I don’t know.  How many different types of idiots are there?
  • I am not sure.  On what scale of stupid would you like me to rank you?

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